Florence Nightingale at your service

More of that in a bit...

But first this:

Well, I would be blogging if my internet connection was stable, but it seems to be having a bit of a time out, it being Sunday and all that.

There are a few things that I’ve noticed of late that have made my usually mild-mannered self turn into a foaming-mouthed maniac. I don’t know what it is with some people, but they are criminally thick and should be locked up for their own safety, or preferably executed to prevent them causing damage to people’s cars.

There’s a current trend for people to cross the road with their backs to the traffic, either talking on their mobiles, or listening to the latest toonahs on their iPods. They don’t even cross straight, following the shortest route to safety. No, instead they choose to cross along the diagonal to make their journey to the kerb as long as possible. Stupid cunts.

Do you think we’re allowed to kill them? Probably not, but in my defence I’d say it was obviously a mercy killing and that I was doing themselves and society a huge favour by extinguishing whatever lights were burning inside their thick skulls.

Another current favourite pastime is for cyclists to ride in the cycle lane, but on the wrong side of the road, at night, with no lights on, dressed in black, and being of black ethnicity. In the Hulme area of Manchester (real bandit country that is home to the dregs of many societies from around the world), these guys also probably carry guns, so you just let them get on with it, while fighting the urge to swerve into them and wipe their sorry arses from the face of the planet.

Tossers.

He's a bear, he's a bear! He's made of human hair!!
Well that's not strictly true, he's made of wool and proper flame-retardant stuffing, but he's got a lot of Connie Cakesniffer in him, so that makes him almost human. To whom am I referring? Why it's none other than Bear:

Bear has been created as the arch-nemesis of his very own evil twin, known as BEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!! (or Bad Bear), who was also created by the fair hand of Connie. Bad Bear has been made for the much anticipated Bombino, who is due to be endearing itself to us with much screaming and uncontrolled bodily functions in March. Having seen what my elderly mother could do with some knitting needles and a bit of wool, I must admit that I got a bit jealous and, realising that I never had a bear when I was a baby, I asked Mum to make me one. I thought this was particularly fair since I won't be having any children of my own. So Bear is the result.


Oooh, Matron!
I'm rubbish around sick people, having no patience or stomach for vomiting, groaning, moaning, sniffling, coughing, and all the other things that happen to people when they're ill. My mother is really good with me and puts me to shame, often killing me with kindness. Last week, I had yet another one of my "heads" - I woke up in agony on Thursday morning, couldn't move my head, then started being sick. I was laid up in bed all day and Mum was really good. I think. Actually, I think she just left me alone to get on with it, but was pleasantly fussy once I finally emerged from my pit of doom in the evening.

Of course, when I got to work the following day, I was talking to a colleague about my previous day's brain tumour, I think I called it a migraine so as not to alarm her, and she said "Well, there's a lot of that going around at the moment."

What? Contagious migraines?

Apparently, hers were cured by having a hysterectomy when she was 31. I think I'll stick to ibuprofen and bed rest in a dark room.

Weird.

And when another colleague phoned in sick today (on National Sick Day, would you believe?), she again said "Well, there's a lot of that going around at the moment."

Back back? "Loads of those at the moment, you wouldn't believe it!"

And how about Semlicki Forest Virus? "Tonnes, Tina. There were four people in Tesco with it last night!"

Amazing.

But what IS going around at the moment is a bit of a cold thing that has laid dearest Trump low for the past few days. She's not been too bad with it, but got terribly depressed when it went on her chest. Any chesty cough means Ordeal by Covonia, which I don't mind, but it makes her sick (I think this is the idea of expectorants).

Anyway, poorly Trump was indeed pretty sick today and had to take National Sick Day off with a genuine illness. But this gave me the opportunity to go and see her, via the fucking horrible Asda in shithole Hulme, where I bought her some food, and a variety of chesty cough medicine.

Poorly Trump is off work tomorrow too, but she's already taken the day off as leave because she's getting cable telly. That means that, when I finally move in there in the hopefully not-too-distant future, WE'LL have cable telly. And this means Series 4 of the L Word when it comes out over here in the summer. Bring it on!!!!

Despite getting carried away with myself at the thought of the impending arrival of Living TV, I did the dutiful thing and tried to be Florence Nightingale to Trump of the Crimea. I was very attentive (once I'd calmed down about the spastic parking habits of one of the residents on her street) and even let her kiss me - germs and all. She then shoved my face in her slippers and rubbed her sock in my face.


Question of the day
Four months' suspended sentence for killing a cat by putting it through a washing machine cycle - appropriate?

Certainly not. How about ripping the fucking bitch's head off with something like a, oh I don't what, something like a pride of hungry lions?

According to the RSPCA inspector, the suspended sentence sends out a strong signal that animal cruelty will not be tolerated. How exactly? I think my alternative certainly would.

TOSSERS!