Just when you think you'll get the impetus to start paying off your credit card, you go and do a stupid thing like getting your car serviced and MOT'd. Three hundred and eighty five bloody quid. Bastards.
Anyhow, that's done I must move on.
People in two bedroom terraced houses should need a licence before being allowed to decorate
This is a conclusion that I've come to having experienced three of these houses in recent years; currently Trump Towers. I don't know what it is with these sorts of houses, but they clearly induce some sort of Overlook Hotel-like psychosis in their single occupants that leads the victims to do very strange things to their properties.
For a bit of background, two bed terraced houses are generally entry level homes for first-time buyers. Many were built in the late 1800s and they generally all look the same with the same layout. Way back in them days, people didn't have bathrooms, so over recent years, bathrooms have been installed either as ground floor extensions or by splitting the back bedroom in two. Although originally occupied by working class families, they now tend to be owned by single people, like I said as an entry level home for them to get on the property ladder.
I think they need to carry some sort of health warning in that, unless the occupant finds a suitable partner within about 18months of moving in, insanity soon sets in and this is manifested in displays of quirky decorative ideas. I've known these houses to be completely pink, with faux country cottage stone fireplaces (nice) and ultra modern (for the 1970s), Blake's 7-esque suspended ceilings. My sister used to live in one of these houses that could be described as "Dirty protest" with purple radiators. And now Trump's pad is revealing itself to be a migraine in anaglypta underneath the more sober tones that were put in place by Trump herself when she moved in.
A weekend of stripping back the layers has revealed: 15 layers of paint (satin and matte) on top of industrial strength anaglypta; blood red on top of bottle green paint on plaster in the dining room; orange honeycomb wallpaper in the kitchen. Of course, it being the kitchen, the previous residents had taken anti-steam precautions and used superglue to stick the fucking stuff to the walls.
Blimey.
Still, it was an interesting and rewarding exercise in teamwork, i.e. me being shouted at, and the satisfaction at revealing the clean lines of plastered walls was certainly worth it.
I need a hero
Motorists across the UK are praying for modern day Robin Hood to rescue them from the strangle-hold of a tax-obsessed government that wants to track their every move in the name of having a "fair" road-charging scheme. The government claims that we need an expensive system to track where and when we drive so we pay more for when we drive in congestion. Surely the tax we pay on petrol does exactly this without our every movement being spied on? And it's billions of pounds cheaper to implement too.
And you could try cutting congestion by giving us some road back. Noticed how much white paint is on the roads at the moment; unnecessary right filter lanes; no right filters when you need them; unused 24hr bus lanes. On top of this, how about phasing traffic lights sensibly?
Oh yeah, and affordable public transport.
Nobs.
So there you have it, road charging the Sniffy way: scrap road tax, do some sums and work out how much to increase petrol tax by to get enough income to fund your next war on Iran or North Korea, perhaps even Zimbabwe?
7 comments:
Phasing traffic lights?
Over the border the lights have two settings green and red.
None of this amber,get set and go shite.
Stop and go thats all you need.
In the majority of cases traffic lights aren't even required; such as on fucking roundabouts.
Over here it's stop, no go, no get ready, just stop. And they wonder why the traffic builds up. Dipshits.
You noticed how long they stay on red for for pedestrian crossings too? About twice as long as they used to. There are junctions where everybody, pedestrians included, are sat or stood around doing fuck all while all the lights are on red for about 20 seconds at a time.
Nothing like a back to back terraced house with an outside lav.
Them were the days.
Cholera and rickets all round.
And not a kebab to be had.
Street 'furniture'? Blame the sociologists.
Back in them days, the only meat you got was whatever fell in your back yard after contracting some disease from the back of local chop house. But still, people were happier with their lot than they are today.
Get rid of the lav and go back to shitting in a bowl and then chucking it out on the street. We need to rid the world of the excess population - especially in the UK - and what a better way to do it than with a little cholera outbreak.
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