Pain

So I've finally switched over the NEW blogger. There's not much of a difference, but it has some utilities that are handy.

It changed my profile to one that was already in existence for a new blogger blog, but that's OK, I quite like that photo of me, although I need to get that Philip Larkin text back.

Anyway, that's all irrelevant.

Last night I was talking with Trump about pain and the different types of pain you can experience, particularly pain that results from hurting yourself, rather than things like headaches and the like.

Here is my top ten of personal injury resulting in agony:

1. Ankle sprain: absolute stomach churning agony. After the initial shock and paralysis, the adrenaline rush kicks in that kind of turns your stomach and internal organs to a mush. You nearly shit yourself. Almost immediately, the affect area swells and bruises and the pain radiates rapidly from your ankle up your leg. It fucking hurts. And then you can't walk for days.
2. Eye poke: this REALLY hurts. It's a common injury that occurs when you pull the duvet up to your face with your thumb inadvertently sticking out. OUCH!
3. Toe stub: fucker! This is another one where you're rendered useless by adrenal activity. Everything goes really hot afterwards.
4. Cold finger bash: you know the thing, it's a really cold day and you've forgotten your gloves; your fingers are icy cold and you knock the back of them against something hard. That soon warms them up.
5. Door walking: you pull a door open, but it doesn't clear your foot that is in its way. Of course, you're already moving forwards to go through the anticipated opening and SMACK! Door in your forehead. This one is for total twats.
6. Phantom spot squeeze: you know those sore areas on your skin that feel like a spot is brewing? There's a slight lump and you just know that if you get it at the right point, it'll explode at high velocity and splatter up the bathroom mirror. You award yourself imaginary points for splatter height and diffusion. So you give it a squeeze, and another, then another. The pain is really bad, but you're determined that there's something there - right on the end of your nose or chin. Alas, without success, you are left with watering eyes and a second (or third) chin.
7. Tongue bite: Bloody hell, this is a really bad one that makes you feel like somebody is pulling your brain out through your belly button. So easily avoidable - unless you're Jamie Oliver.
8. Foo-fah on crossbar: You only need to do this once to know that falling heavily, fanny-first onto the crossbar of a bike is a real eye-waterer and to avoid bicycles for the rest of your life.
9. Pube pull: Even the tidiest pubes sometimes get caught in your knicker leg. It usually takes you by surprise as you try to stand from your desk at work. How do you explain the sudden scream and ferriting about in your pants to your colleagues?
   
10. Fingernail bend-back: The fingernails of my right hand used to get quite long when I played the guitar. I have no idea how this particularly injury occurs, but one of the worse feelings in the world is bending your fingernail back. It fucking hurts.

So those are ten things you can do to yourself to see whether your adrenal glands work. I wouldn't recommend them to anybody, but inflicted the pube pull on an unsuspecting partner can be a right old laugh! Can't it, Trump?

I've had a mouth ulcer on my bottom lip for four days. They REALLY hurt. What the hell are they?


Leave my feet a-fucking-lone!
The Trump Family Trumpamon have a family pet. This pet is a juvenile Staffordshire Bull Terrorist that goes by the name of Jazz. It actually goes by the name "BEHAVE, GET IN YOUR BED... JAZZ!". It is a fucking nuisance. It looks and sounds rather menacing... eventually, but it doesn't usually bother growling or barking at you until you've been in the house for 15 minutes.

During the summer, when I was staying at Trump Towers, I had the privilege of helping Trump look after the "Menace under the kitchen table". This hound has a foot fetish and, it being summer, I found myself sockless in a variety of summer footwear. The dog would greet me by frenzied sequential licking of the toes on both my feet before jumping up at me. Oh how I loved getting back into my shoes in the autumn.

She still has year-round fun sniffing my arse crack with her wet nose every time I bend down to look in a kitchen cupboard, but at least my feet are safe for now.

Hooligan.