You're a vegetable and I hate you

For all the years since I first heard Michael Jackson's "Got to be starting something", I've never known what the hell it was on about and was convinced that the closing reprise went something like:

"You're a vegetable, you're a vegetable
And I hate you, you're a vegetable"

Could these really be in the lyrics of a pop song? Well, and I'm not sure whether these are correct or not, but this is what he's supposed to be saying:

You're Stuck In The Middle (Yeah, Yeah
And The Pain Is Thunder (Yeah, Yeah)
You're A Vegetable, You're A Vegetable
Still They Hate You, You're A Vegetable
You're Just A Buffet, You're A Vegetable
They Eat Off Of You, You're A Vegetable


So there you have it, it wasn't my ears playing tricks on me, the lyrics are truly bizarre!

There are other instances of odd song lyrics, but plenty where we just get it wrong. One of my favourites was Womack and Womacks Teardrops, from about 1988:

Footsteps on the dancefloor, remind me baby of you
Teardrops... in my eyes, next time I'll be true

Not difficult, but I used to think she was singing about "teardrops in my high heels".

It's good to know that it's not just me. A friend of mine once thought that Bonnie Tyler was Lost in drag, while I know of another person I know thought that Kirsty McColl was telling us There's a guy works down the chip shop swears his 'ead off.


Trick or treat
Following the great tradition that was brought her from North America, the UK's children are terrorising their neighbourhoods by taking part in "Trick or treat" activities. There have been arrests in Liverpool, apparently, where the little shits have been vandalising the homes of those who don't give them enough cash - sweets are not enough.

We've had three ghostly visitations so far, from "youths" who have gone to all the trouble of dusting off last year's Scream mask and wearing it under their hoodies.


"Trick or treat"

"Sing us a Hallowe'en song or tell us a joke. You're not getting anything until you do."

"Don't know any"

"Well, you're not getting anything then. Tell us a joke!"

"Where does Bin Laden keep his CDs?.... In a rack (in Iraq)"

"Good, have a couple of Heroes, but leave the time outs! They're OK if you're allergic to nuts.... I think. That'll be a treat for us if your face swells up and you can't get your mask off!"

Little bastards will be exploding fireworks through people's letterboxes for the next month or so.