Anyway, I have to pay up by 1st of July or I get a big fine from the Nazis in Swansea known as the DVLA (Driver and Vehicle Licencing Authority/Agency/Allstars). "We're all computerised, you cannot hide from us, we know everybody who should have a valid tax disc, we will find you!".
What with the DVLA being based in Wales, I always imagine the people who work there to be dressed as miners with dirty faces and the like. There's lovely, innit!
Things have apparently improved within the DVLA over the last year though. No longer should you have to trek to the Post Office, armed with V11 (road tax application form), insurance certificate and MOT certificate. Oh no, the advent of a super duper database to keep track of whether people have got a valid MOT for their cars, the whole system was dragged into the 21st Century and drivers are now able to apply over the internet or over the phone.
With two days left before I jet off and three days left before my current road tax expires, I thought it timely to get mine and decided to use the super online feature, bearing in mind that I have absolutely no chance of getting near a post office in time.
This is what I got when I went online:
Tossers!
But not to worry, I could still do it over the phone. So I dialled the number and navigated my way through the automated menus while listening to some bloke drone on and on and on about the whole fucking system, terms and conditions, terms of agreement, blah, blah, fucking blah. He was interrupted half way through by some feller with a really strong Welsh accent and very deep voice (probably Tom Jones or a Richard Burton soundalike) who went on about some other shite.
After ten minutes of them going on, it finally got to the bit where I had to input my sixteen digit reference number.
After ten minutes of them going on, it finally got to the bit where I had to input my sixteen digit reference number.
"Please wait while we check against the database"....
...
...
...
(2 minutes later)
"I am sorry, we are experiencing technical difficulties and we cannot proceed".
Well, you can't have your fucking money then, tossers.
Honestly, technical difficulties my arse. They're probably on their teabreak and there's nobody around to make computer-like noises while they're actually flicking through an over-stuffed and fit for bursting lever arch file full of shite.
Dickheads.
Of course, the UK Government is well known for overseeing the introduction of successful public-sector computer systems (Child Support Agency, Tax Credits, Passports, Criminal Records Bureau). Can't wait till all our medical records are on a national database... somewhere in Bombay.
Am I scared of their computer finding me if I don't pay? Two things: piss-up; brewery.
Press red
In this age of digital everything, service providers are constantly trying to remind us why digital is so much better than anything else ever. Personally, I think the picture quality on digital TV is crap compared to analogue, but there you go. That's progress for you.
Anyway, TV stations are forever trying to get viewers to buy in to their digital services by remind us to "press red" in order access extra information about whatever it is we're watching. For fuck's sake, the shite they're bothering to show is bad enough without seeing what they've hidden behind the red button!
We're getting it all the time during the coverage of the World Cup footie matches: "Press red for the latest statistics", the commentators order us every five fucking minutes. In between telling us to press red for the latest statistics, they're talking about the latest statistics, mixed in with a load of utter bollocks that anybody would be slapped for if they wittered on that way in public.
Numpties.
Has anybody ever pressed red and found anything of any interest whatsoever? No, it's a load of old crap, so shut the fuck up about pressing red and get on with patronising comments about African nations football and the female Brazilian fans' tits.
11 comments:
Whenever consultants hear that a public sector organisation is planning a new computer system they rub their hands and shout whoopee.
Trebles all round at the prospect of extracting enormous fees for something that doesn't work. This will entail paying other consultants to sort out the cock ups. Nice work if you can get it.
Herge is enjoying himself btw, although he does look a bit gay sitting in the pub with a minature daschund on his knee.
It's works for us Welsh people. It's just that when an English person wanders onto the website we all stop talking...
Har har Ft, the old ones are always the best ones.
Re the 'red button', i don't think we've ever pressed it despite it being the most prominently placed button on the remote.
Half the time it's only used for bloody advertising anyway (so I'm told, having never pressed it).
A few times, I've said to Tazzy 'press red!', but he's just ignored me in the knowledge that it's a waste of time.
I fully understand about the DVLA nonsense. Just been through it myself last month and was worried sick I was going to get done for having no road tax almost right until the last moment. The bastards would have said it was my fault too if I'd failed to pay on time, even though it would have been a result of their failure.
I'm really beginning to get sick of the amount of cash they drain from my bank account through tax, fuel tax, insurance (which never seems to go down despite never havign made a claim, although they'd whack it up straight away if I ever did make one).
The Welsh are all cunts. Blame them for 99% of our problems.
And blame the Yanks for the rest.
On another note: Are you getting really excited about the trip yet?
*reminds Sniffy to remember our stick of rock*
I can't believe that the site is down for maintenance just at the time when everybody is panicking and trying to buy their road tax! Incompetent fuckwits.
Yes, getting excited now. I will try VERY hard to remember your stick of rock, I promise. I am really crap at things like that though. Or is just plain old selfish and inconsiderate? Still, if I got you something, I'd have to come over and give it to you, so I have to weigh things up.
Left the car off the road and forgot to send in the SORN. 3 months later get a letter demanding backtax and threatening a fine. So it does work ... eventually.
There's only one red button I press. Annoys the fuck out of Mrs C especially when she's trying to watch a program. Well she moans a lot.
Convict! You dirty little bastard!!!! Why hadn't I thought of that?
Cos you're a little out of practice??
What's a remote control?
Oh yes its that thing that NEVER HAS ANY FUCKING BATTERIES in it, as they are stolen for playstations/toys et fucking al!
My fucking red button never gets pressed!!!! Ok????
A remote control is what you married SID. You mean to tell me Mrs SID never has any batteries in her? Eh? Eh?
*childish laugh
Hmm I love the idea behind this website, very unique.
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