Time machine

Sometimes you think about the decisions you've made during your life and there are some that you wish you'd thought about a little bit more before taking the plunge. These seem like minor decisions at the time, but they turn out to have quite an impact on your later life.

It'd be nice to have a time machine so you could revisit certain points in your past, not to interfere with things too much, but just to give you the opportunity to leave yourself a note...

• 1982: MOVE AWAY FROM THAT PASTY! Your mum is cooking a big tea and you don't need pasty, chips and gravy on top of it at lunchtime. A sandwich will tide you over just fine. Oh, and make a bit of an effort in PE, you lazy slob.
• 1986: Don't agree to go out with Glenn, you're only doing it because Mark asked you as a favour to him. You know you don't fancy him and you're being unfair to both of you. You know that you're just waiting to see who you meet at 6th form... and you know damn well you're not thinking about the lads you might meet there.
• 1987: Put that application in to go to Cambridge. It may seem too far from your family, but you'll get used to it. It'll be a great opportunity and those posh birds are well up for it.
• 1987: You might like biology, but you should think about chemical engineering - or how about biting the bullet and going for medicine? It might not be as bad as you think.
  
• 1991: Stay here in Leeds, you're happy here. Don't listen to those idiots who are telling you to move away. Where the fuck is Warwick anyway?
  
• 1991: Oh, and you need to get to the gym a bit more and cut back on the booze.
  
• 1991: Do NOT, NOT, NOT go into that shop and buy any fags! Stay in the fucking car.
• 1991: Go knock on Ela's bedroom door and see if she's got any fags, but take your time to leave - strike up a conversation! Get in there...
• 1992: You know this isn't for you. You should've stayed in Leeds, but that can't be helped now. Quit while you're ahead and a PGCE.
• 1993: Go on... see about doing a PGCE.
• 1994: When was the last time you went to a gym? Look at you, you fat git!
• 1994: Don't leave that note calling the security guard a spastic, just don't do it.
• 1994: Do you really need to go to the pub every night in the week?
• 1995: You need to cut back on the booze and stop eating so much.
• 1996: You really need to watch what you're drinking - and you're eating too much.
• 1997: You'll be a size 24 soon, do you really need chips and gravy on top of 10 pints of Strongbow and a full dinner?
• 1997: Don't get any closer to the boss. You're drunk, he's drunk, you're both pissed off at each other. Get the Jacob Marley image right out of your head this second!
• 1998: You need to cut down on the booze and get some exercise.
• .....
• .....
  
• ......

You see the pattern?

Blimey, what a nagging bastard I am. You see, what I really needed was somebody to look after me.


Crazy
A time machine would be really useful for me to go back and kill Patsy Kline before she sang Crazy. I'd also snuff Jennifer Rush and Andrew Lloyd Webber. These bastards are responsible for providing my neighbour's repertoire of songs that she belts out at all times of day and night. Stupid, useless, parasitic, fucking wench and stain on society that she is.

She's this horrible, cackling bitch who thinks she can sing a couple of songs and so lets rip every now and again. I was trying to sleep the other night when she started her rendition of Crazy (for loving you) and The Power of Love at 10.45pm - in the room of their house that adjoins my bedroom. Not that I'm awake at 5.30am for work or anything. Of course, they don't quite get the concept of "work" since they don't have to bother with it, what with us paying for their luxury lifestyle with our taxes and everything.

Why? Who is she trying to impress? She won't be fucking impressed if she does it again and get a fucking ASBO slapped on her sorry fat arse.

Twat.