Tesco's dead parrot

After I'd woken up from my anaesthetic yesterday, I was given the opportunity to have a bit of a snooze before being given a cup of coffee and some toast. I started to feel more human with every minute, but couldn't see (no specs) and I was curious to see whether I'd had any text messages. A neighbour of mine works in the hospital and is ALWAYS present, whenever I happen to be there - no matter what area or circumstance. He was there yesterday, so I called him over and asked if he wouldn't mind reaching into my pocket for my glasses and my mobile; he passed them to me.

One text message from mother: "Are you sleepy? Some flowers have come from Trillion."

Eh, flowers? For ME? I was thrilled. You see, Trillion is lovely; she has the most enormous heart and I love her to absolute bits. She'd phoned on Saturday to ask if there hadn't been delivery for me, so I realised that this must've been it. What a lovely gesture.

Anyway... in the car on the way home, I asked Mum about the flowers. "Well, there's a problem you see. It says on the box that they should've been delivered on Saturday. And they aren't packed in water. And they only came today. And, well, they're all dead."

Indeed they were.

Despite being groggy and tired and sore, I decided to kick some serious arse with the people the flowers had come from. Yes, that's right, good old TESCO.

I phoned them up. Their customer services centre seems to be in Scotland, so this automatically got my back up as I realised I probably wouldn't be able to understand who I was speaking to. Great. If anybody wants to hear what sort of accent you have to deal with, then phone this number and use the automated menus to navigate to "Tesco Extra" before hanging up: 08457 225533.

Me: "Hello, I've had some flowers sent to me by a friend as wonderful gesture because I've been in hospital for an operation and I've just got out. They should have been delivered on Saturday, but they came today and they're all dead."

Tesco: "Can I have the order number please?" I gave it to him. "Well, it only says Saturday delivery as a guide, it could mean any time... can't be guaranteed."

Me: "No, it says quite clearly on the box, with a yellow sticker: "DELIVERY SATURDAY". That means deliver Saturday to me."

Tesco: "Well, what we suggest is that you put them in water for 24hr and then phone back"

Me: "And what is that going to achieve, apart from a mess in the kitchen? These flowers are dead, there's no going back, they ain't gonna do a Lazarus on us. Dead, do you understand? Have you seen the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch? Well, substitute the parrot for these flowers. THEY ARE DEAD and they will still be dead in 24 hr."

Tesco: "But the policy set by our suppliers says they need to be left for 24 hr before we can do anything."

Me: "Who is your supplier?"

Tesco: "I'm not allowed to tell you that."

Me: "What is this, the KGB? Can I speak to your supervisor please?"

Tesco: "I'm the manager here."

Me: "Right, well I know all about the training they make you go on, how you're told to think about the motivations of and the perspectives of the people who phone you up. Most people don't phone to congratulate you, they phone because there is a problem that needs resolving. Telling them to wait 24hr on dead flowers is not helping people, it is winding them up.

And then I did it, shame on me, but I did it...

"Could you imagine if your mum, sister, girlfriend had been in hospital to have a breast lump removed and they came home to find that somebody had sent them dead flowers? How do you think that would make them feel?

Tesco: "I understand and it's not acceptable."

Me: "Why are these things not packed in water like you get from Marks and Spencer or Interflora?"

Tesco: "The ones that are sent by courier are packed in water, those sent by Royal Mail are sent frozen."

Me: "I don't understand why there's a difference, they should be packed exactly the same, no matter what the method of delivery is. This gets more ridiculous by the second."

Tesco: "All I can do is suggest that you give them 24hr, I can't do anything until then."

Me: Well there's leadership for you. Where were you when they bombed Plymouth? "Well, they've already been given 48 hours and they are dead, and they will be dead tomorrow.

"I will call back tomorrow, as will the person who ordered these for me. She is going to be very upset about this and if you think that dealing with me had been bad, just wait till she phones you up.

"And what you need to do is take the transcript from this telephone call and pass it on to your mysterious supplier and tell them that they are inept."

Tesco: "Ok, well I'm sorry that I couldn't be any more help."

You fucking will be.

Round two
So now that 24 hours have passed, I've just phoned them up to tell them what to do with their flowers.

Me: "I phoned yesterday to complain that I'd been delivered some dead flowers that should've arrived on Saturday. I was told that, despite the fact that they're dead, I have to leave them 24hr."

Tesco: "That's correct."

Me: "But it isn't correct though, is it? What's the point of leaving dead flowers for 24hrs to see if they perk up?"

Tesco: "I meant, that's our procedure."

Me: "Well your procedure is wrong. Anyway, surprisingly enough, they're still dead and I want some action taking.

"First of all, you've got to pass this message onto your supplier to tell them that they are rubbish and that they have no idea how to pack flowers. Better still, change your supplier to one who knows what they're doing.

"This "give them 24hr in water" thing is ludicrous. Who on earth wants flowers delivering that look half dead? They're supposed to arrive in tip top condition. Mother's day is coming up in a couple of weeks, can you imagine all the mums in the land being delivered half-dead flowers and having to wait until the Monday before they can appreciate them? It's not on."

Tesco: "So what did the flowers look like?"

Me: "Well, you know what dead roses look like? They look like that: shrivelled up petals, wilted leaves and stems. Like something that's been at a graveside for a couple of weeks."

Tesco: "I'll certainly pass that on. How would you like to proceed?"

Me: "Well, I certainly don't want any Tesco flowers, but I want you to give a full refund to the person who sent them to me and I want you to give her some compensation too."

Tesco: "Ok then, we'll certainly do that: a full refund and a good will gesture."

So long as they don't think a good will gesture is a bunch of flowers.

Fucking morons.

The thing is, I love Tesco, it's one of my favourite shops in the (my) entire world. Tesco is one of Britain's best ever retail success stories and it deserves to be - the stores are great. I hate having to knock them, but things like this really get on my scarred and painful tits.