Sick leave

I'm almost officially on sick leave. It's a weird thing, "planned sick leave", I don't feel comfortable with it. There are some people who actually count their sick leave as an entitlement and ensure that they take their full count of days each year. Lazy fucking scumbags.

I feel really odd taking the week off when I could easily be fine by Tuesday, or Wednesday at the latest. But that's what I've been told to take off by various colleagues and managers, so I'm not going to argue with anybody.

So... you spend the week before you finish much as you would if you were taking annual leave: making sure that any deadlines that occur during your leave are met beforehand; having a general tidy up; letting folk know various bits in case there are any queries. But this is different to the run up to annual leave: you're not demob happy, you're just stressed; there's very a slim chance that you might not be coming back, either on the date you plan, or at all. So, you have to prepare people a bit more and get the work ready for the week that you're due back too, as well as telling colleagues what to do with it.

Of course, should I die, all my colleagues will be too distraught to even contemplate doing any work and they'll be given the week off for mourning. More importantly, they'll need that week off to get their outfits sorted for my fantastic funeral.

There will need to be lots of wailing as my coffin is carried to the altar and then off to the graveside. We might have to arrange a video link showing clips of little baby animals being eaten by big predators, or slaughtered in abattoirs to ensure there are enough decibels of snivling.


Take a chance
There's a slim chance of me having a reaction to the anaesthetic and there being complications that result in death. This chance isn't peculiar to me, most normal people are exposed to the same risk and the chance of something going wrong is slim for everyone, but increases if you carry certain risk factors, such as being a pathetic asthmatic, a big fat bloater, having heart disease, kidney stones, etc.

"As with all anaesthetics, there's a very small chance of complications, but it happens very rarely", the doctor told me.

"Oh yes, I know that, and that's fine, but in reality you either have a reaction to the anaesthetic or you don't, so the odds are 50:50, aren't they?"

Think on and look sharp.


A very special day
Sunday could turn out to be a very special day. If all goes to plan, kidney stones and map-reading permitting, I should be having tea with my two favourite poofs. I am very excited about this. So much so that I'm taking them to my favourite restaurant - well I'm meeting them there because Piggy is too scared to come here and meet Connie.

It's a good job that they won't be meeting mother because she does this thing where she mimics people's accents without realising it. It gets extremely embarrassing.

I'm going to be taking my camera so there'll be photos, and I understand that Tazzy will be taking his too. I won't take my good one though because I don't want to upset gadgetboy with my superior zoom.

So that's that. It'll be a fucking scream! Unless my sister tags along, then it'll be a fucking nightmare. "But I want to meet them too."

I called her a fag hag. "I am not!"

"But you're living with a gay man!"

"I don't go down Canal Street all the time."

"Not any more you don't. You don't go anymore because you've been barred for harrassing the queers."

I didn't say that.

She's having a party tonight and I would've gone only I daren't leave the house for fear of getting a cold or cough that'll mean my op has to be postponed. The bitch couldn't have waited, could she?

I also told my line manager what my plans for the weekend were:

Blokes you met off the internet. How dodgy is that?? Why are you meeting? Are they photography geeks too?

You are too weird for words at times….

I don't think it's THAT dodgy just because they're men - you are so sexist! Maybe dodgy because one is Scottish and they live in Barnsley, I'll concede that point. But they are very sweet... and excellent bitches, so that always makes for a good time.

They're fairly geeky and into techno things - they have this VERY rude website and we got in touch through there. That does sound dodgy... but it's not really.

Nope, that is quite strange. I can’t even begin to understand boys, so you are obviously way ahead of me there. What’s the website??

You having a laugh? There's no way on EARTH that you're seeing that website! Ever.

I'm not sure anybody understands boys, but they're quite amusing at times. And like I said there's nothing on the planet that's better for a good bitching session than a couple of gay blokes.

Oh I didn’t realise they were gay, well that’s alright then, they are normal and I am no longer thinking you are a freak!

Pls pass on details of website, I need cheering up and a good perve!!

I called her a bigot.


Twiglets
What is it with Twiglets that you can't stop eating them, even to the point where it feels like you've had a mouth full of potassium? The roof of my mouth is burning like a fucker. Then again, I did eat half a tub of the things while watching much sauciness in the L Word. Christ, what a show!