So, what have I been up to, apart from slacking from my blog? Well, spring has sprung, at long fucking last. The sun has been shining lots. I've been enjoying the company of the little dog, hanging out together, doing bits of training, telling him to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP FUCKING BARKING! But perhaps the most exciting experience of the past month was my trip to a theme park, Alton Towers, with my favourite poofs, Taz and Pig.
Fuck. That's all I can really say about it. Apart from looking at the rollercoaster at New York New York and the ridiculous rides at the top of the Stratosphere in Vegas and thinking No fucking way! I hadn't been near a white knuckle ride since 1995 and my last trip to Alton Towers was in something like 1990. All the tamer rides that had been there on my last visit had been replaced by despicable constructions of terror.
The day started quite sedately with a McBreakfast
and a ride on a cable car
And then it all started with this:
Rita: Queen of Speed is a bog-standard rollercoaster to look at, but the bloody thing happens to set off by accelerating from 0-100mph in TWO SECONDS before throwing its victims around the track. The experience is over in 20 seconds, but my word, what a 20 seconds! I was shaking when I got off it, but I'd been bitten by the bug and wanted MORE.
We headed towards Oblivion. Now, there's not much to this, apart from a face-down, free-fall drop from a fucking great height into a massive hole in the ground. I was up for it, ready to be brave, to stride on up to the queue, take my seat with confidence and go for it. But as we approached, we saw this:
With the pause in my stride, my bravado evaporated... time for lunch. KFC. The worst, fat-dripping KFC I'd ever experienced. It sat heavy on my stomach and it was decided that an hour on the more gentile rides was called for, so I got piss wet through on the log flume:
And watched Piggy and Tazzy soak unsuspecting victims on Battle Gallions.
I dried off in the aquarium - cue fish thing:
Then we headed towards.... NEMESIS. I hadn't been looking forward to this one bit after seeing this video.
Hrrrm
We waited in the front seat queue, the ride set off ten or so times as we waited. My bladder twitched increasingly with each minute. I was scared.
But it was fucking fantastic, brilliant amazing. LOVED IT. We went on again, went on Rita again, and walked back towards Oblivion. I wimped out. I couldn't do it. I froze. As I watched it complete its cycle over and over, hearing the woosh as it plummeted towards the earth, I noticed the silence of the riders - too shocked to scream. I pondered, and an idea came to me. In fifty years' time or so, there might be a theme park where you can actually go to choose a thrill-seeking death. It would be...
Suicide theme park
Rita: the carriage flies off the track as it hits 100mph and plummets into a snake pit fifty feet below. Those not crushed in the tangled wreckage endure paralysis and death from snake bites.
Battle Gallions: AK47s instead of water pistols
Log flume: the log is carried on a wave of concentrated sulphuric acid that bathes riders and slowly burns and dissolves them at the end of the ride
Nemesis: no safety harnesses, you hold on as much as you can until you are catapulted into the air, landing on a spike-filled pit beneath the ride.
Oblivion: the carriage doesn't drop from the top. Instead, when in position, the safety harnesses are released and the riders fall into a fiery pit below.
If only I was in charge...
Anyway, I never made it onto Oblivion, but Super Taz did.
The man is a lunatic, he gave a running commentary of every bend, kink, loop, reverse, inverse of every ride. He even kept his eyes open for the duration of each one. And actually smiled throughout. There must be something missing from the part of the brain that tells normal folk to scream like a baby. Enough loop-de-loops and G forces might obliterate the same part from my brain I suppose.
So that's that.
Vegas: the return!
In other news, I'm heading back to Vegas to have the holiday that I should've had last year. It's the sort of place where you should have a fantastic time, but circumstances didn't really allow it when I went.
Am I going on my own?
Hell no!
Who the hell would want to go on holiday with me?
Well, I happened to be having a chat with that April woman today, she told me that she and a friend were going to Vegas in June and she asked me if I'd like to meet them there. Too fucking right I would! So I booked it, and I'm off there for nearly a week in just a few weeks' time.
Should be coooooool.
I need to lose weight.
