EXCRUTIATING POO PAIN
It all started with feeling very hungry at around 10am, then this air pocket sort of descending from my stomach into my duodenum and it got trapped there. I had to go for a wander to see if it'd work its way down into a fart, but to no avail.
I thought I was going to faint at one point, it was so bad. I had cold sweats and everything.
I kept trying to go to the toilet, but everytime there was somebody in one of the other cubicles. Not knowing how many decibels would result from the gaseous release from my arse, I daren't risk it. As a result, the pain got worse and worse. I eventually managed to have a poo in peace and the relief was instant. The poo itself was so big, dense and air-tight that it effectively caused an air lock in my colon and this built up the pressure that caused all the discomfort. There wasn't much gas after all that, all that came out was a bit of a damp hiss.
I feel quite swollen now; like somebody has inflated my bowel to the dimensions of a party balloon.
On the Bristol Stool Score, I'd rate today's effort as a NUMBER 3:
It's great to see that the National Digestive Diseases Information Clearing House (NDDIC), which is a division of the National Institute for Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK), has produced a whole interweb factsheet to put us colic-inflicted cakesniffers at ease.
Oh, the pain!
The moment you've all been waiting for...
Yep, I put it back in my eye for all of 10 seconds this evening. It was very uncomfortable and stung - a bit like putting battery acid into your eye - but I could see through it!
I didn't exactly feel like Steve Austin, The Bionic Man. And, rather than the bionic vision close-up focus sound effect, the only noise I made was saying "Fuck, fuck, fuck" while I was trying to hurry up and take the photo.
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